I’m Not Fine

7724418I recently read a blog post by Ragdollmummas titled Fine in Our Own Way that has resonated with my current existence. I’ve been doing exactly what she wrote about: I’ve been fine. To quote the article, ‘we may be curled up in the fetal position sobbing on the inside, but on the outside there is no other choice but to be fine and all good and to keep on keeping on.’

She is spot-on. We cannot expect that the people around us are able to understand the struggles we deal with; nor should be expect them to. Once again I have had to deal with an unsuccessful fertility attempt. It seemed that little bit more frustrating given the result came during the Easter Long weekend when we were supposed to be praising the risen Lord. In that moment, I can truthfully say that the hypocrisy of the celebration was not lost on me.

I think it was Tuesday evening when my man and I watched an episode from the SBS series, Secrets of the Brain. In one experiment, an audience was required to watch a film of animals in distress. One half of the audience was allowed to cry and express emotions whilst the other half of the audience was requested to ‘be fine’, hold it together and remain neutral. Once the film was over, all participants were required to hold a hand exerciser for as long as they could. Interestingly, the half of the audience who were allowed to express their emotions had the strength to hold the exerciser closed for the longest. Those who spent the film ‘being fine’ were unable to hold the hand-exerciser closed for any significant length of time. The conclusion was that the energy used by the brain to maintain neutrality was so draining that the body physically could not muster enough strength to hold a hand exerciser closed.

And that is the difficulty of having epilepsy and fertility issues. My family tends to understand the challenges of epilepsy. Even though they don’t have seizures, they struggle through the experience and memory of watching a seizure and caring for me afterwards. As a result, I know they feel as helpless as I often feel. Unfortunately, this empathy and understanding does not translate to infertility. My parents are already grandparents. My partner is supportive, but I am sure doesn’t feel the loss and failure that I do. I cried into his shoulder only this week and apologized because I don’t fail well. He of course told me that I am not a failure and hugged me that little bit more tightly. Whilst I am glad I can cry into his shoulder and enjoy the comfort of his arms around me, I can’t always see past the negative. Instead, I try to be fine on the outside.   And that is exhausting.

I’m glad I have PhD research to do because I am not sure how I would have survived this school holiday without the distraction. It seems that little bit worse the third time around. What ever happened to “third time lucky”?

In my not always believable attempt to be fine, I’ve immersed myself in books and articles as I complete research for my PhD; How to write a survey, defining the characteristics of a semi-structured interview, and delving into gender differences on the brain, adolescent education, music and leadership. Between doing this, I have cried, enjoyed nana naps, stayed home, cleaned and I suspect, had an anxiety attack. I’ve even developed strategies for talking with my mother. When I talk to her on the phone, I try really hard not to cry with volume; tears are fine so long as no noise registers. Keeping your voice at a neutral pitch is also helpful; too high and you sound anxious, too low and you sound like you are trying too hard. The trick is to breath normally. When your breath hitches, you can be guaranteed that anything you say next will come out as a sob.

They say that animals are perceptive. I am sure that those of you with pets would agree. My puppy Aria is supportive in just the way I need; she will curl up on my lap, sit quietly and become just that little bit cuddlier. There is no judgment or attempt to tell me that everything will be ok. I suspect this is what my human family tries to do, but without the same success. I also like that Aria cannot tell anyone I’m not fine, and her unconditional love means that she would never judge me.

My blog post this time is not to present a conclusion or solution. I just want to put it out there that sometimes we are not ok, and that is fine. At least for me, this blog is a way of expressing what I am feeling and to let other people know that they are not the only ones.

I am hoping this post will help dig me out of the ditch I currently find myself in.

Read the post by Ragdollmummas here:

https://ragdollmummas.wordpress.com/2016/03/25/fine-in-our-own-way/