“Dear God, I have epilepsy. Isn’t that enough?”
That was my gripe yesterday. I even tried to express how I felt in a blog post, but got tears instead of words. There is so much to say; so much I planned to say and have not been able to until now. So here goes…
They say that the universe only requests of you what you can handle. If that is the case, then apparently I am super woman!
Epilepsy aside, the last forty-eight hours have been tough. My partner and I recently underwent an IUI in order to conceive our first (and likely only) child. You see, in addition to epilepsy I have endometriosis and PCOS.
Despite only a 10% chance of success, I remained positive and hoped for the best. The procedure was booked suddenly with little warning for both Mr Man and myself. It was exciting and completely terrifying at the same time. In the process, I learnt that the progesterone I injected into my belly made me suffer symptoms of pregnancy including morning, or more appropriately ‘whenever’ sickness. I joked with Mr Man, that if this is pregnancy, I will need vomit bags in my car!
I suffered with a smile for two weeks knowing that I had to wait until the drugs were out of my system before testing. Well, this week has gone so slow! I kept thinking it was like the night before Christmas when I was a child. Do you remember how long it seemed before you were allowed to get up and see what Santa had brought? I was reminded this week.
Lets just say that I didn’t need to do a pregnancy test; that Santa left no gift. I was devastated. I’ve never before felt this incredible lack of control or sense of failure. It was a very overwhelming feeling and something new for me.
We are all allowed them. You know those “woe is me” moments? When everything that happens to you seems cruelly unfair. You question humanity, God, and all that is good in your life. And finally, you turn on the good luck of others in a jealous and unjustified rant.
My first thought is always of those people who fall pregnant accidentally.
“Oops! What are we going to do now?”
Like my brother, who despite being a very nasty human being, is able to father a child, and restrict my own Mother (the child’s Nan) from visiting.
And then there is that really horrible jealousy and anger you feel towards generally lovely people who are having babies to add to their already beautiful family or those who are having their first child because they decided that they’d try. Worse even was the anger I experienced when a work colleague with epilepsy announced her pregnancy. It frustrated me that “she didn’t have to change drugs and not drive for four months,” and that “it was so easy for her!”
I admit it. For 24 hours I was inconsolable and felt that the universe was against me. After all, they say that the good finish last. When I apologized to Mr Man for my unusually negative attitude and dodgy body, he simply hugged me, told me that he loved me and said that it was ok to feel.
Perhaps it was the rant against humanity that helped, because the tears quickly dried up. I needed to regain some control and overcome that feeling of helplessness. My only option was to ring the specialist and book in to do this again. That is all I can do for now.
It is funny how I’m not feeling the loss quite so deeply today. I do feel numb and a little irritated with my body and the universe. I’m also frustrated that it is always me who has to remain strong. It seems the number one priority for epilepsy is to limit stress levels and avoid anything that can trigger a seizure. Sometimes it seems so unfair. Why can’t I just fall apart for a few days and not be the one in control?
Simple answer is twofold:
- It is useless and a time waster. We only live once. And more to the point,
- “You can’t, so just suck it up Honey!”
Instead I raise my glass of sparkling water and say, “here’s to sucking it up and getting on with life!”
In the words of PINK:
Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel, like you’re less than, less than perfect!
Image from: http://sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/keep-calm-life-s-tough-get-over-it-suck-it-up.png