Despite my generally positive outlook on life, I, like many, have miserable days. Yesterday was a mixture of tears, terrible self-confidence, love, relief and laughter.
My fault; I got on the scales in the morning of an EEG and neurologist appointment. I was already anxious about whether I would get my drivers license back and, as I have been true to my new years goal of fitness, health and general calm it made sense that I may have lost weight. I have been going to yoga three times a week and have been on the treadmill every alternate day. I have never felt as fit as I do at the moment. I really need to throw out those scales! All I can think is that although I am not a biggest loser contestant I will be if I keep this up!
What do you do when things turn ugly? I ring my darling mother. Always full of sensible advice, Mum tried to remind me of all the positive things. She reminded me of my positive sense of self only the day before; that I was proud of my motivation and commitment to lead an active and stress-free life. Then she talked to me about my pending specialist appointment. We discussed my reaction and her concern for my ability to remain strong if I failed to get permission to drive. Just the possibility that the EEG might show some seizure activity terrified me and I cried again.
So what happened? EEG came back “satisfactory” with no seizure activity. I can drive again! I would normally have done a yippee dance but my state of mind is so mixed up at the moment, I felt relief minus the smile. I am not happy with my weight. I want a baby and cannot bring myself to even begin trying until I have lost this weight. It was so bad that I (briefly) considered crazy ideas for quick (and ultimately unhealthy) weight loss. There is more. I am not happy with the stress at work. It is difficult to let things go when you care and have so much passion for your job. It’s worse when you consistently deal with disorganization and unrealistic work loads.
As usual, I need to do something about it. A baby, my self-image and drivers license matter more than anything. I’ve arranged to return to my dietician next week, re-organized my wardrobe separating the beautiful yet too small clothes, and completed a healthy grocery shop. A vegetable soup is currently simmering on the stovetop. Other than continuing the exercise there is little else I can do but wait to see results. Then I figure I will have the experience of going clothes shopping in my own home AND without the expense!
Work… well that is another matter. The boys return to school on Tuesday and I am looking forward to seeing them. I expect that returning to the classroom will erase the frustrations I have with other aspect of my job.
Now that I am driving I’ll finish with some humour:
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
At least for me, Tonic Clonic seizures result in memory loss and difficulty concentrating. As a woman and someone with epilepsy in an academic position, I cannot afford to be forgetful and scatter-brained. People do not understand the result of a seizure and often fail to accept the symptoms like they do the flu, asthma and even allergies. Put simply, this ignorance means I cannot afford to allow my symptoms to affect an excellent standard of work. The lack of understanding, no matter how small is everywhere.
So what am I doing about it? Well complaining certainly won’t solve anything! Instead I have started my first 2000 piece puzzle. I call it complete insanity supported by a close friend! It is a poster-sized picture of a concert hall complete with choir, pipe organ, orchestra, grand piano and audience. Imagine “Where’s Wally?” as a musical and you have some idea of the difficulty. The following three things are a consequence as I work towards its completion:
- The puzzle has forced me to concentrate and focus;
- My memory is improving as I remember images and look for matching pieces; and,
- This quiet activity is enjoyable shared with a friend. We have both shared giggles and our frustrations.
I doubt we will finish this before school (aka work) resumes on the 19th January, however it is certainly waking my brain up for another busy year.